Cinema Veridoom of the Week

Welcome to drunk blogging with Aggie, a new feature about bad movies. I have been remiss about blogging here, there, and everywhere. They say blogging is like riding a bicycle, but what they don’t tell you is that you are riding it backwards.

On a tightrope.

Through rings of fire.

Tonight’s feature is Dire Wolf, starring Maxwell Caufield, with special appearance by Gil Gerard. First, let me just say Caufield has aged very, very well. Gerard has…..aged. I guess that whole Buck Rogers effect didn’t work too well after all. Whatever, I have an Elderflower Sour, so let’s begin.

Movie begins with a research assistant during late shift. She notices an alarm and calls the security guard to go check. He sees the door to the “experiment” open, and calls up to let her know. Because apparently sounding an alarm is just passé. He draws his weapon, but too late. And you know the research chick is next.

Holy hell, the blood spraying is like something out of a Kurosawa movie. Props!

Minus 10,372 points for the Party City Wolfman costume, though. *drinks*

Ooooh…Caufield. He’s the sheriff. He also suffers from OCD and Shawn Syndrome (Psych reference). Dude notices everything: guy in the wrong chair, person not at the diner. Tries to train his foster son the game warden in the ways of the Mountain Jedi.

And…Gil Gerard. As a Colonel in charge of the “program”, henceforth named Operation Wolfie. He sends out two agents to find out why no one is picking up the phone at the remote facility on top of the convenient hill. Me? I would have sent a shitload of people because if my research peeps aren’t answering the red phone, serious shit is getting real.

Oh HAI HUNTER!!! Wolfie gets down and decides hunter would make a tasty trea— wait, WTH?? He kills the dude and doesn’t bother eating him? Possible vegan wolf.

Sheriff has a bug up his ass about the guard that didn’t show up to the diner. So he has to go look up at the facility. Meanwhile, warden is patrolling the area and warns the campers, of which his ex is one, to stay put because of possible random shooting. Which yeah! Hunter’s rifle!! *drinks again*

Ooooh, agents are at facility. Blood and guts but again, NO EATING!! Honestly, what the hell kind of monster is this?

Agents find doc and researcher sheltered in place. Traumatized by the very thing they made because HOW CAN A WOLF AND HUMAN BREED GO WRONG?? Sheeee-it…. *drinks*

Oh, not just any wolf. MEGA WOLF, some extinct breed. Did they learn nothing from Jurassic Park ???

Wolfie is enjoying the camper now, which is fine, because that guy was a dick.

Back at the facility, Sheriff Hottie confronts the agents and scientists. He ain’t happy. Wait….what? No, no, NO!! Agent says the guard still had his gun holstered. *slams head on table*

Col. Gil wants the creature alive because it was expensive as all get out, and agents are all, sure we got this. Everyone returns to the Sheriff’s office to clean up and get organized. More dead uneaten bodies and that means let’s go be bait.

Oh Em Gee. A photographer and a model in a bikini are on a shoot because of course you wear a bikini in the woods. The chiggers, ticks, and mites gotta feed, too. Photog is dead in a spray of cherry syrup and model is next, bleeding copiously from no open wounds. I need another drink. Back in a bit.

*Intermission*

Ok, so back to the tripe. Ex is hiding in a victim’s truck and suffocating because keeping the flimsy window up will stop a wolf hybrid with superhuman strength. Kinda like covering your head with a blanket will stop the monster under your bed. YAY!! Ex rescues ex and go back to the warden’s office. And oh, more bodies. Which no one cares over because those two guys were also dicks.

Wait, wait…. Wolfie is attacking one of the agents for the researcher chick manages to just…..wave him away. Huh. Shades of Ripley in Alien Resurrection. Turns out it was HER eggs that were used to breed this thing. So she has a special “connection”. *drinks moar*

Sheriff Hottie sees the sign in disrepair and decides he NEEDS to fix it. Agent tells him no fucking way is he going out there. Fine….. FINE!!! He goes to the bathroom. And sneaks outside to fix the sign so of COURSE Wolfie takes him out. The only redeeming thing about this flick and he’s chowdah. Shit.

Agent is now in charge, and pissed off that Wolfie took out her partner AND her love interest. So that means we are going back to the facility to fuck him up. In the middle of the night. Doctor is not happy about this, because lo and behold, he has another Wolfie growing in a jar. Which warden promptly tosses on the floor because he saw Alien Resurrection. Doc is all mad, yammering about science and whatever, when Wolfie comes in and chews him up. Again, NO EATING!! Thing has to be starving by now.

Researcher figures out the only way to kill her creation is to electrify it. So they set up a trap and she lures the creature like a mom would a child, which again, Ripley!! And Wolfie, thinking she has tofu bars and almond milk, steps on the trap. Tearfully, the researcher throws the switch like she was in The Green Mile and Wolfie boogies ’til he just can’t boogie no mo’. The crew probably spent $50 on the CGI effects for the electrocution, which was $40 more than they spent on the wolf costume.

And so, everyone stands around looking at the BBQ and the warden just says, “Let’s go home”. FIN. For real, that was IT!

Serious anti-climax there. But you get what you pay for, which apparently was a Party City costume and a screenplay written by a guy who lost a bet of Doritos and Red Bull. I hope you enjoyed Aggie’s Cinema Veridoom. I hope to make a habit of drunk blogging. At least the drinks will be awesome 😉

LC Aggie Sith

12 Comments

  1. Since MST3K is gone, you should start “LC Aggie Sith’s MST”, which I would pay to watch.

  2. Late to the party, but just wanted to add my cheers and hopes that you do lots of these. Fun to read!

  3. Better than the hashtag ExplainAMoviePlotBadly. I wish I had watched more movies this way.

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