Howdy and welcome to today’s feature, The Eves. The title threw me off a bit, because I kept thinking elves instead. The film is about a group of college kids on their way to Spring Break at the beach, when car trouble strands them in the backwoods of Texas. Now, I’ve never done the Spring Break thing, but most people tend to travel on major highways on the way to Padre Island, not FM 884. I’m thinking the only reason this doesn’t take place in Arkansas was budget limitations.
Got fleece PJs and wine at the ready!!
Intro: Old guy is filling a syringe. You think maybe diabetes, but no. He is drugging cans of Lone Star beer. Either he is up to no good, or there is not enough alcohol in Lone Star (which sadly, is true). He begins to stack then one by freakin’ one in the fridge. Labels out for product placement! He comes out to the living room to find a flannel-shirted dude holding a knife. And…..cue the door closing. Like we don’t know old guy is toast.
Eight college kids driving down FM road (Farm to Market). Guy with video camera is more interested in filming vast tracts of female lands than anything. Driver pulls off the road because SUV is overheating. Everyone debarks and begins to explore. Only thing missing is banjos *drinks*
Oh, look…. an abandoned church!! Nothing bad ever happens in those. At least the guys go inside together. Safety in numbers, and all that. Spooking each other is all fun and everything, but hey, Spring Break awaits. Time to skedaddle. Over to the gals, who need a pottie break. In the woods. Of course one of them hears something. Spooked, they go back to the SUV just in time to see a sheriff’s car drive up. Cue asshole deputy and Good Ol’ Boy sheriff. Deputy jerks them around for a bit, then gives them directions to a lodge where they can find water. Then he gets back into his cruiser….wait….he has ANTLERS on the dashboard?? I don’t think wine will cut it tonight.
Kids arrive at the lodge, and just walk in because of course no one is here. B&E is totes acceptable when you are stranded. Seemed to work for Goldilocks. First thing guys do is check out the fridge, which oddly is now empty of all that drugged beer. That is not ominous at all. Not to be deterred, they go out and get their own stash of Lone Star. Seriously, paying Shiner for product placement would have been worth the extra budget allowance. Oh, as if breaking and entering weren’t enough, one of the gals has to go snooping around. *drinks more wine*
Meanwhile, one gal follows the artsy guy into the woods, two others sneak off to make out rather violently in the garage, while the worst game of pool is going on. OMG, someone should have paid attention to the damn balls (yes, TWHS). They are different in every single shot and the guy is hitting the colors not the cue ball!!! Ok, gal in woods fails to seduce artsy guy, and suddenly he’s gone. She decides to run while looking for him and of course is being chased by someone. Cue scream.
Gah….this is sloooooooooooooooow. *refills wineglass*
Ok, one of the kids is exploring the house and walks into a shrine of sorts: four chairs facing an altar, Proverbs 14:32 inscribed above. Not creepy at all… Luke, one of the guys, goes out to look for the two missing kids. Weird sounds outside, so they ALL go to check. Car is gone, and house has “Delivered” written all over the place and now they really want to GTFO. First rule of abandoned places: DON’T STAY IN THEM. *guzzles*
Lights out, country music blaring, and Matt, the owner of the dead SUV, goes off in the dark to investigate. The others go into the garage to see where the music is coming from. And they find a bunch of TX drivers licenses belonging to women, along with TWO BODIES. Screams galore and oh, one of them is their friend, the artsy guy. And the other is none other than the old man in the intro. Still, no drugged beer. WTF happened to the beer, seriously??
One of the guys goes to check on the light in the bedroom across the way. Enter the guy who has been stalking around. And suddenly shots fired. Literally. Time to run away. The remaining four kids take off only to have one of them fall into a hole. A hole filled with stinky stuff in a bunch of luggage. Before the three can get him out, one of the stalkers comes and forces them to hide. Stalker decides to help guy out, and then proceeds to knock him unconscious. Kids run away, and find shelter in the abandoned church. Y’all knew that was coming.
I blinked, and everything just happened. Damn it.
Guy with shotgun is hunting them in the church. Gals sneak out, and find the missing gal in the truck parked outside, delirious, bound and gagged. And guy with shotgun in the church is none other than MATT!!! Mind. Blown. Truck with gals gets rammed by another truck and lights out for everybody.
Guy wakes up fuzzy in the middle of the floor, and gets up to investigate. Finds an album with a picture of four…no, five men. One is the dead old guy. And the others are Matt…..and LUKE. Holy shizznet, turns out the old man was the father to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. The father indoctrinated the sons into delivering man from the Eves. Which meant kill random women because they are evil (discuss in comments the merits of this claim). So Matt is upset because Luke is lustful and went after the guy’s sister and so sister must die as well as every other gal in that group. And the guys, too. Because why not, I guess. Ritualistic eye removal followed by throat slashing. And not very spurty, which is disappointing. I’m not one for gore, but I do appreciate realism.
Oh, so shunned brother John, who killed the old man, comes in to stop the two brothers from killing the rest of the group. Luke monologues and gets stabbed. That’s what gets the bad guy every time: MONOLOGUING. And Matt kills off the other guy, and John decides on a battle royale with Matt where they stab each other to death, but not before we figure out the drugged beer was drunk by the missing women who are now residing in the luggage at the bottom of the hole. Which makes NO SENSE in continuity because how did they drink it if the old guy died before killing them?? OMG thank goodness this is ov—-no, I was wrong. *moar wine*
Gals run away to the FM road, where they waves down the sheriff’s cruiser. They get in the back, and notice they are surrounded by feathers, hunting paraphernalia, and those freaky antlers on the dashboard. Aside: no cop car would have a cracked windshield like that. And….they go back to the scene of the crime. The gals are all WTF and the deputy is all chill, just checking things out. So they go inside to look around, and this time the gals decide to look at all the photographs hanging on the walls.
Wait a sec…. oh em gee!! The sheriff is in those photos, and so is the deputy!! Sheriff sees a door open and it’s Luke, struggling inside, and says, “Nephew.” THEY ARE RELATED!!!! Deputy is hanging outside and hears two shots. Meh…. more bodies to dump in the hole, since they are all in on it!! But lo, he turns around, and the two gals are facing him, as he faces the barrel of the shotgun. And the gal asks, “Are you ready to be delivered?” And with the shot, the film ends. And once again I am left wondering why anyone would think no big deal about B&E in an abandoned house with running water and electricity.
All I have to say is thank goodness that’s over and my Lolita wineglass was big.