Headlines
Police Arrest Naked Man Found Covered in Peanut Butter & Chocolate
Man Dies After Swallowing Dentures During Sex
'Soul Train' creator Don Cornelius dead
James Farentino dies at 73
White Castle Considers Offering Beer and Wine(I thought is where people went when already drunk)
America is Drunk(someone needs to slap Dr. Keith Ablow or buy him a drink or two)
Occupiers Pissing on Churches Housing Them (Literally)
I guess JoePa can discuss with God if he "did the right thing" now..
There is Never Enough Irony in the World
The Ironic Penta Meter™ is tipping off the scales this morning, y’all.
Jay-Z is releasing a new line of T-shirts in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement Friday via his Rocawear clothing label, but he doesn’t plan to share any of the profits with the protesters.
And that, ladies and gents, is rich on many, many levels. This so-called musical artist will gladly make a buck off the protesters, standing in figurative solidarity with them, but when it comes to the bottom line, will not lift a finger to help them in any way. And the dumb masses can’t see they are being used by him to increase his fortune.
Meanwhile, the spokesperson for the clothing company that is making the shirts had this to say:
“The ‘Occupy All Streets’ T-shirt was created in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. ‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.”
So, to the dumb masses occupying parks in cities across the US, I hope the knowledge that Jay-Z is making money off your back and enjoying the rotten fruit of your labor all the way to the bank in no way keeps you up at night. I’m sure the lice, tuberculosis, lack of heat, and the fear of getting assaulted or even raped is enough to keep you awake.
Just wait until bubonic plague breaks out.
Maybe They Are With the 57 States?
Just when you think the journolistic intelligensia can’t be more ridiculous, they prove us dead wrong:
So enthused about promoting the far-left protests, ABC anchor Diane Sawyer on Monday night’s World News championed “the Occupy Wall Street movement” by ludicrously claiming that “as of tonight, it has spread to more than 250 American cities, more than a thousand countries — every continent but Antarctica.”
Excuse me?? A thousand countries?? What planet is she talking about?? Because last I checked, there were less than 200 countries on her precious Gaia. I’m no genius, but even I know geography. She could be forgiven* for saying a thousand cities in the US, but even then that would mean at least 20 per state. Unless there are 57 states, then it would be under 18 per state.
Newsflash, Ms. Sawyer: the rest of the world couldn’t give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut about these protesters. They only care about our country imploding from division, something which your ilk is only happy to foment along. I don’t know if it was the shiraz talking, but do us all a favor and kindly STFU.
Hat tip: Hubby 
*No, she wouldn’t be forgiven for saying an obvious lie like that. I was being kind.
Poker Night
I know I’ve been half-assed about making it to poker night. I’ll really try to be there tonight. You should know, that the server will be up even if I’m not around.
We’ve also got updated rankings for H&B Football Pick’em:
And an update on H&B DeadPool; Almost all core functionality is completed. The only thing missing at this point is the ‘Report Death’ function which should be completed in the next day or so. I’ve also uploaded pictures of the Grand Prize here.
And in the spirit of “there’s never enough Hookers” I’ll finish with a Hooker …
Ay, D10S Mio!!!
That’s my mother’s favorite exclamation in Spanish. Actually, everyone’s favorite, since it translates to “Oh, my God!!” And that is precisely what I was screaming when I saw this headline:
Soccer-Mad Church Worships Diego Maradona as a God
After my scream, I was speechless as I read the article. These people are serious. Seriously deluded, but serious all the same.
This unusual personality cult “was created to express and preach throughout the world our love to ‘El Diego’, who has given us so much and has worked miracles”, says [Hernan] Amez, one of the church’s three founding spiritual leaders.
Worked miracles? Is that what they call drinking spiked coffee so they could beat Australia in the 1993 qualifier? Is that what they call cheating your way to the World Cup?
These people take Cult of Personality to a whole new level. They refer to him as “D10S” because it is a play on the Spanish word for “God”, using his team number as part of the name (hence my oblique title. You’re welcome!). Their “holy book” (I can’t even use the term “bible” here) is Maradona’s autobiography, their “new year” begins on Maradona’s birthday, And their “day of rebirth” falls on June 22nd, the anniversary of Argentina’s World Cup win in 1986. But their “prayer” is the coup de gag:
“Our Maradona who art in soccer field, hallowed by Thy left hand, Thy magic come, Thy goals will be remembered on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day your daily magical playing style, and forgive the British as we forgive the Neapolitan Mafia. And lead us not into off-side but deliver us from João Havellange and Pelé”
Oh, they claim to be mostly practicing Christians, and that this “church” is for those who love soccer. Well, I am not a huge fan of soccer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know this: Maradona will never be the great man that is Pele.
But he comes close to being the man that is Pete Rose.
Just When You Think You’ve Seen Everything
I don’t have the words….
FUUUUUUUUU...............
I think I’m going to puke my intestines. GAH!!!!!!!!!!
PhotoShop Sunday
With all the stuff going on around here, I completely forgot to show y’all some of the funniest PhotoShop Jobs O’ Doom by our friend, B.C. First, in honor of the unions:
Next, in honor of celebutards:
Ultra SHEEN!!!
Just when you thought society could go no lower, you find yourself mistaken:
Seriously, he should be put out of his misery.
The Turn of the Screw
Sometimes, you get so much Shadenfreude, it’s almost like going on a chocolate binge after dieting for a month. Take the latest from the city of New York:
CITY TAKES AIM AT RICH, FAMOUS LIKE ALEC BALDWIN, DEREK JETER, WHO MAY BE FIBBING ON WHERE THEY LIVE
That headline alone is worth bathing in pudding, no? Now, as much as I enjoy Alec Baldwin being given a colonoscopy of an audit, the underlining issue here is the fact that the city needs more revenue, because the wealthy have fled the astronomical taxes imposed by it.
Facing shrinking revenue, the state has ramped up its pursuit of suspected tax dodgers, hiring 189 new auditors and -- for the first time -- making filers swear under oath on tax forms as to how many days they “spend in New York City.”
Sayeth Baldwin the Sage*, “The moment you start working regularly [in New York City], the city finance people come after you.” Gee, Alec, how many TV shows are based in The Big Apple? It is no wonder Derek Jeter settled quietly and sold his home, choosing to live out of the city. Easy peasy prediction: more wealthy New Yorkers will flee, forcing the city to raise taxes yet again. This is like the Circle of Life, only not as pleasant.
* In case y’all didn’t catch it, that was sarcasm 
Hat tip: JAM2
Charlie Sheen should be our mascot
So Charlie Sheen spent the last few days in Las Vegas drinking vodka and banging this:
His people say they’re worried about him and that he has a problem …. I’m sorry, I don’t see the problem.
On the plus side, he allowed me to post a Hooker/hooker in a “news” item.
Fun fact: Bree Olson was the winner of the 2008 “Best Anal Scene” AVN award.
Better Off Dead
What is it with Hollywood actors lately?? I mean, if it’s not guzzling Hugo Chavez’ swill, it’s crap like this:
Actor John Cusack went on a caustic Twitter rampage Sunday evening, attacking former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Fox News.
“I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS,” Cusack tweeted.
Seriously, this is a WTF moment for me. I know John Cusack is a HUGE Obamabot…. his entire family is very liberal, from his sisters Ann and Joan to his late father, Dick. I grew up on John’s movies. I grew up wanting to be Mrs. John Cusack. I wanted to be serenaded to Peter Gabriel, and to be taken to Dodger’s Stadium after competing on the K-12. I wanted the dream, back when I was a teenager and still could think actors had some scruples. But that dream died a while back, and even though he was still a fine actor, there is a line you just do not cross.
So, fuck you, John. Fuck your insipid twattle, you twatmoldy fucktard. You have killed what little respect I still may have harbored deep in the well of my soul for you. Whatever your views may be, they do not excuse your call for death threats against anyone. What happens if one of your idiot Twit followers decides to glorify your words?? What then, you insipid little needleprick? If ANYTHING deserves to die is your pathetic career, you disgusting slab of pig offal. Consider this a Dear John letter, you hobknocking wanker. And while you’re off trying to save your career from damage, try checking your pathetic twitterings before you post, you fucking moron.
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