Welcome to drunk blogging with Aggie, a new feature about bad movies. I have been remiss about blogging here, there, and everywhere. They say blogging is like riding a bicycle, but what they don’t tell you is that you are riding it backwards.
On a tightrope.
Through rings of fire.
Tonight’s feature is Dire Wolf, starring Maxwell Caufield, with special appearance by Gil Gerard. First, let me just say Caufield has aged very, very well. Gerard has…..aged. I guess that whole Buck Rogers effect didn’t work too well after all. Whatever, I have an Elderflower Sour, so let’s begin.
Movie begins with a research assistant during late shift. She notices an alarm and calls the security guard to go check. He sees the door to the “experiment” open, and calls up to let her know. Because apparently sounding an alarm is just passé. He draws his weapon, but too late. And you know the research chick is next.
Holy hell, the blood spraying is like something out of a Kurosawa movie. Props!
Minus 10,372 points for the Party City Wolfman costume, though. *drinks*
Ooooh…Caufield. He’s the sheriff. He also suffers from OCD and Shawn Syndrome (Psych reference). Dude notices everything: guy in the wrong chair, person not at the diner. Tries to train his foster son the game warden in the ways of the Mountain Jedi.
And…Gil Gerard. As a Colonel in charge of the “program”, henceforth named Operation Wolfie. He sends out two agents to find out why no one is picking up the phone at the remote facility on top of the convenient hill. Me? I would have sent a shitload of people because if my research peeps aren’t answering the red phone, serious shit is getting real.
Oh HAI HUNTER!!! Wolfie gets down and decides hunter would make a tasty trea— wait, WTH?? He kills the dude and doesn’t bother eating him? Possible vegan wolf.
Sheriff has a bug up his ass about the guard that didn’t show up to the diner. So he has to go look up at the facility. Meanwhile, warden is patrolling the area and warns the campers, of which his ex is one, to stay put because of possible random shooting. Which yeah! Hunter’s rifle!! *drinks again*
Ooooh, agents are at facility. Blood and guts but again, NO EATING!! Honestly, what the hell kind of monster is this?
Agents find doc and researcher sheltered in place. Traumatized by the very thing they made because HOW CAN A WOLF AND HUMAN BREED GO WRONG?? Sheeee-it…. *drinks* Continue Reading