The Modern Man, or Why Society is Failing at Warp Speed

Full disclosure: I’m a stay-at-home-mom who enjoys serving her hubby food and liquor. I usually cook while barefoot, as well. Yesterday, a NYT “Fashion” section article began to do the rounds on Twitter, and as a wife, mother, and just a plain ol’ woman, I have to put in my $5 (inflation) on the subject.

The title is 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man, written by Brian Lombardi. As far as I can tell, it’s not a nom de plume for a disgruntled wife. You’ll see what I mean in a moment. Mr. Lombardi makes a list of what a “modern man” does to support his masculinity. Some items on the list are given, such as #2 (never let’s others know his confidence is shot), #9 (a daughter teaches him new things all the time), and #19 (buys his wife flowers to surprise her). I can stand behind these, having witnessed them up close and personal from time to time. But most of the list?


#26–The modern man cries. He cries often.

Holy shit, dude. No he doesn’t. I’m not saying men don’t have emotional upheavals or are stoic to the point of being robotic. But men in general view certain happenings in a more orderly manner. He will cry when his kid is born, or if he breaks his leg, or at suffering a loss. But to say he will cry at the drop of a hat is not only silly but makes men look like they lack of control over a situation. Hubby never cried once when I had my accident. He held it together (see #2) because that is the thing to do when your wife is hysterical.

#25–The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

You know, living in Illinois will do that to people. I’m sure the homicide victims in Chicago would have something to say about this view. If they were alive, that is.

#17–Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

*I* don’t own a melon baller.

#16–The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

See, this is stupid. Fight an intruder that in the writer’s opinion isn’t a modern man because chances are the perp has a gun. He should review #25 if he values the life of his family.

#8–The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

You know, the gun thing didn’t make me angry. The crying thing didn’t upset me at all. But this set me off. Why? Because almost EVERYONE in the Armed Forces says “chopper”, dependents included. Yes, we know the proper name for it, and do not give two shits about it. The association of those willing to put their lives on the line, LEOs included (since my LEO relatives also call them choppers) as “gauche simpletons” is beyond insulting. Especially the use of the French word, gauche. You live in Illinois, not Strasbourg.

#6–Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

WTF? *I* am responsible for my belongings. My kids are responsible for theirs. They forget to charge their phone, that’s their problem. Hubby plugs his phone in and doesn’t even ask if mine is charged. Not his responsibility, but mine.

#1–When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

This explains it best:

Hubby would rather die of a thousand paper cuts than buy me a pair of shoes. He would rather stab his retinas than choose a pair of shoes for me. And as men know, brands are for cattle.

I am not linking it, because I have too much respect for men. But if you choose to lose your will to live, do a search for it at the NYT. Then get yourself a nice stiff drink and wonder WTF happened to SMOD.

LC Aggie Sith


  1. Where do you find this crap?

    And I didn’t know NIU made so many manginas.

  2. It has to be parody, but the people at the Gray Lady thought it was for real.

    Note #16–The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

    The whole idea of “fight” is so inimical to “modern” man (think the Bitch Slap In Chief after yesterday), it has to be slipped in to show it’s a joke.

  3. No, no, no. The Modern Man tackles the Bad Guy at the door. The Modern Wife takes this time to grab her (loaded) gun, take it off of Safe, and draw down. The Modern Man then breaks contact with the Bad Guy and the Modern Wife puts 2 in the chest and 1 in the head. The Modern Wife doesn’t scurry away from evil, she groups on it.

    Hail (Mississippi) State (on Saturday)!

  4. Hey, easy with the Illinois crap, Your Aggielyness™. I’ll have you know in 2010 Pat Quinn won the gubernatorial race by winning 3 of 104 counties. Last year he lost the office by 142,284 because he only won one county (Crook County). So not all Illinoisans are pansy-ass losers.,_2014

    But in 2004, when Bush was running for re-election and Obama was running for his first term in the Senate, one million voters voted for both of them.

    Popular vote 2,891,550 2,345,946,_2004
    Popular vote 3,597,456 1,390,690,_2004

    Ok, so we might have a lot of idiots, but certainly they don’t all make melon balls. Or by shoes for broads.

  5. The truth is this guy knows he is a pussy based on the traditional man archetype, but desperately rationalizes away his own womanly ways to so he can be functional.

    No wonder transgenderism is at an all time high. Men are ruined.

    Well, some are.

    Urban journalists, to start.

  6. I cannot even figure out why my wife needs three pairs of black shoes. I have two: Boots and tennis shoes. I have used a melon-baller to get mud out of my boots. I would sooner die than cry. Clearly the writer has latent homosexual tendencies. Real men would prefer not to fight if they can help it, they would rather just blow the sorry f*ck out of his socks.

  7. This part seems anachronistic at first: The man’s job is to try to fight an intruder off, so that his wife has a chance to get away (Fighting? Really! How gauche!). Sounds an awful lot like Victorian etiquette, where the man should walk between the woman and the curb to prevent her being splashed by a passing vehicle going through a puddle on the street. Poor little missy needs to be taken care of! This is why I think you may be right about the nom de plume thing. I thought this article must have escaped from The Onion at first, but it was probably written by some self-centered harpy who needed to whine to a larger audience that her “man” still retains some vestiges of maleness and needs to be corrected. His job is to be slave to her every whim.

  8. You, the author, are the prime example of ‘the pussification of the American male’. (it comes from pusillanimous…modern man has a vocabulary).

    You have slipped into that effeminate persona that keeps you comfortable and unwilling to challenge the world around you. You believe that you have no need for a gun, but admit you sleep closer to the door in case you need to fight off would be attackers to your wife. You are the proverbial failure that arrives at a gunfight with a knife…or in this case a melon baller. So in an effort to avoid confrontation with real men, you stand on your convictions that no one needs a gun and fail to protect your home and loved ones. Brilliant.

    You resort to name calling, in this case ‘gauche simpleton’, to anyone who refers to objects in a common vernacular, in this case ‘chopper’ vis-a-vis ‘helicopter.’ You infantile neomaxi zendweebi (two can play that game, although the French have perfected it)…it is those so called ‘gauche simpletons’ you so despise who fix and fly those (ahem) HELICOPTERS…*cough* helos *cough*. I believe they have earned the right to call them as they see fit.

    You check your loved ones’ electronics to make sure they are charging for the night, how quaint. And in doing so you rob them of the lessons of self-reliance and self-dependency. Every father knows and understands the greatest lessons are realized through failure. In reality, you do not want the confrontation nor the drama when someone’s electronic device fails. Your comfort is more important than their education in Life. Hardly admirable.

    You have become the essence of soft and irrelevant, and in an attempt to prove your worth you relegate yourself to ‘writing’, to pen what sounds like an autobiography stating that ‘this (I) am the norm, and every man should aspire to be like this (me)’….no wonder you weep, and weep often.

    The rest of us do not cry, least of all for you…but you do have our pity.

    • You should have written the post, honey. You were far more eloquent than I 🙂

  9. probably written by the same wuss that rubs his wife’s feet while she tells him about her “date” last night. was that the times too?

    • Oh, THAT guy! A) it was NY Mag, 2) I think they are related, or iii) maybe this “modern man” in truth is a wife totally jealous of the NY Mag cuckold.

      Jury is still out.

  10. If the author the article is sporting an actual Y-chromostone and hasn’t yet had his raisin-sized scrotum turned into a fauxgina, he’s well overdue for said “gender reassignment” surgery. The cognitive dissonance in the “no guns” and “sleeps closest to the door” memes could power a city the size of Tokyo for at least a decade. (Everyone knows that the man sleeps closest to the door so that he can get to the fridge before the wife does in order to be able to grab the last beer on Sunday morning.)

    $10 will get you $100 that the author also screams like a little bitch when he sees
    A) a spider
    B) a snake
    C) a gun
    D) a non-soy latte mocha mocha double-Venti macchiota
    E) Justin Bieber

    • The man sleeps farthest from the door so when the pregnant wife makes her twelfth pee trip of the night the distance is shorter for her.

  11. “Shit, no, man, I believe you’d get your ass kicked for sayin’ somthin’ like that” – Lawrence (Office Space)

  12. Isn’t the same idiot author who a few months back was happy his wife was sleeping around? I’m sure it’s the same pansy looser that was joyful his wife was experimenting with random men she met in bars; and even happier that they were not white men like himself.

      • Ah, so not the same. These metrosexual freaks all seem to blend together. I assume he’s so lacking in tetosterone that he has performance problems and cries during sex.

  13. They must meant modern french man.
    Get to the choppa! I still yell that every time we have to head to the chopper. But then I am Canadian. …

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