Full disclosure: I’m a stay-at-home-mom who enjoys serving her hubby food and liquor. I usually cook while barefoot, as well. Yesterday, a NYT “Fashion” section article began to do the rounds on Twitter, and as a wife, mother, and just a plain ol’ woman, I have to put in my $5 (inflation) on the subject.
The title is 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man, written by Brian Lombardi. As far as I can tell, it’s not a nom de plume for a disgruntled wife. You’ll see what I mean in a moment. Mr. Lombardi makes a list of what a “modern man” does to support his masculinity. Some items on the list are given, such as #2 (never let’s others know his confidence is shot), #9 (a daughter teaches him new things all the time), and #19 (buys his wife flowers to surprise her). I can stand behind these, having witnessed them up close and personal from time to time. But most of the list?
#26–The modern man cries. He cries often.
Holy shit, dude. No he doesn’t. I’m not saying men don’t have emotional upheavals or are stoic to the point of being robotic. But men in general view certain happenings in a more orderly manner. He will cry when his kid is born, or if he breaks his leg, or at suffering a loss. But to say he will cry at the drop of a hat is not only silly but makes men look like they lack of control over a situation. Hubby never cried once when I had my accident. He held it together (see #2) because that is the thing to do when your wife is hysterical.
#25–The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
You know, living in Illinois will do that to people. I’m sure the homicide victims in Chicago would have something to say about this view. If they were alive, that is.
#17–Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
*I* don’t own a melon baller.
#16–The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
See, this is stupid. Fight an intruder that in the writer’s opinion isn’t a modern man because chances are the perp has a gun. He should review #25 if he values the life of his family.
#8–The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
You know, the gun thing didn’t make me angry. The crying thing didn’t upset me at all. But this set me off. Why? Because almost EVERYONE in the Armed Forces says “chopper”, dependents included. Yes, we know the proper name for it, and do not give two shits about it. The association of those willing to put their lives on the line, LEOs included (since my LEO relatives also call them choppers) as “gauche simpletons” is beyond insulting. Especially the use of the French word, gauche. You live in Illinois, not Strasbourg.
#6–Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
WTF? *I* am responsible for my belongings. My kids are responsible for theirs. They forget to charge their phone, that’s their problem. Hubby plugs his phone in and doesn’t even ask if mine is charged. Not his responsibility, but mine.
#1–When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
This explains it best:
First of all, you don't ever buy shoes for your spouse or girlfriend. Ever. You might as well light a hundred dollar bill on fire.
— Stephen Miller (@redsteeze) October 1, 2015
Hubby would rather die of a thousand paper cuts than buy me a pair of shoes. He would rather stab his retinas than choose a pair of shoes for me. And as men know, brands are for cattle.
I am not linking it, because I have too much respect for men. But if you choose to lose your will to live, do a search for it at the NYT. Then get yourself a nice stiff drink and wonder WTF happened to SMOD.