Cinema Veridoom: The Breed

Howdy, and welcome to H&B’s flick review of The Breed, starring Michelle Rodriguez. First, sorry I was away last week. I had surgery and I decided to take it easy because I am really good at that. Second, I wish I had written last week, because I was hopped on Tylenol 3 and y’all know I am a lightweight when it comes to meds. The review would have been EPIC!!! That said, I have beer and am ready to be revolted.

Opening credits lists this as a Wes Craven production. Props!!

Movie begins with a couple sailing and apparently lost at sea. They come to a small island and decide to moor their boat/yacht/dinghy and go explore. The island is very woodsy, so of course the gal goes in shorts and a bikini top and sweater. She goes off on her own, thus breaking the first rule of horror flicks. She comes across an enclosure and senses some…creature. She screams, she runs, she is hunted down. She broke the first rule, so buh bye.

Cue the cast. College kids played by actors in their 30s. And not just college kids, but RICH ones. Why? Because the one flying the plane and his brother inherited a house on the island from their uncle. Oh, did I mention the college kid is flying his own plane? Because of course (disclosure: a friend of mine in college knew how to fly a plane, but didn’t own one). The land the seaplane and trek up to the house which is immaculate inside. No dust inside at all and the electricity and water run, even. The brothers go out to explore and find their uncle’s car in the shed, covered in dust and yet, runs perfect. *drinks*

Blonde chick making margaritas in kitchen with Fifth Wheel when the fuse blows. But kitchen lights stay on. Because continuity. Time to go to the basement! At least they employ the Buddy System, which the sailing chick opted to forgo with consequences. Meanwhile Michelle is sauntering upstairs in her cute halter top and is accosted by her boyfriend Bro 2, the brother of the guy she dumped, by the way. DRAMA FORESHADOWING. So they neck a little, explore the attic a little, and….they are now in swimwear and on the roof watching Bro 1 rig the zip line rope so he can –you guessed it!– zip and plunge into the bay. Michelle is all, “I got climbing rope! The hemp is crap!” and Bro 1 is all “YOLO!!” and zips down and she is content knowing she picked the more sensible, grounded brother. Who ironically is ON THE ROOF WITH HER.

Cue montage of having fun. Laze around, drink so’more, and ZOMG!! PUPPEH!!! Awwwww, cuteness overload!! Back to montage but with puppeh. Night falls, and Fifth Wheel talks about not having any TV or porn, this while Bro 2 is on his laptop. He gets up to go get wine and puppeh follows him into kitchen. And looks at Fifth Wheel and growls. And I’m all GTFO, dude. Thankfully, he does go back out to the living area and puppeh follows out, slipping through the slats in the door. Blonde is all COME BACK SHANE!! not yet getting this is Old Yeller. So of course, time to go look for a black German Shepherd puppy, in the dark. *gulps wine*

So far this is not living up to the Wes Craven brand. Beer isn’t cutting it.

Oh, they find the puppy. WHO HAD FOUND HIS MOMMA!! Momma Shep jumps on Blonde and growls like she’s Cujo’s understudy and then backs off, but not before biting the Blonde. She’s all shaken up but lucky for everyone Bro 2 is a vet school student and can treat the wound. Ok, excitement over and time for bed. OMG now Bro 2 is telling Michelle the story of a company that leased a compound on the other side of the island and trained dogs. Uncle told him the dogs caught rabies and had to be put down. And now he wonders if some survived. Dude, pack up and GO!! It doesn’t take a genius here. Meanwhile Blonde is downstairs staring out the window and Bro 1 finds her and they start to kiss. She gets a little….hm…bitey. He backs off and she tells him to go. Strike two. *drinks*

Morning now, and everyone is gathered for breakfast. Blonde is eating savagely. Guys decide to go hunting for the dog (bow and arrow), while the gals stay behind. Blonde eats everything at the table. Not kosher at all. Gals go swimming in lake while guys traverse the woods. And wouldn’t you know it, Fifth Wheel is by himself. Oh look!! One dog, two dog, white dog, RUN!! He manages to evade them, probably because the dogs are still busy with the guy who had gotten lost sailing and finish him off. Guys run back and yell at the gals to run to the house. Bro 1 decides to shoot an arrow at the dog grabbing Michelle’s leg but dog lets go and arrow goes through her calf. Nice and clean, like NO BLOOD AT ALL. *guzzles*

OMG what an idiot. Bro 2 PULLS the arrow out. All of them yelling about WTF to do about the dogs and suddenly one HUGE dog jumps through the window and growls at Blonde and jumps at her but Bro 1 and 2 subdue and kill it. House is now surrounded with dogs. Oh, and the plane is drifting away down the channel. Oooooooh, dogs are gone, so yeah, let’s go get the plane! Where the dogs await on the wing. It was a trap!! No amount of wine can make me stop laughing right now. They all run back to the house and shelter in place. Blonde isn’t looking too good now. She’s starting a fever. They get the idea to try to get to the shed and start up the car. Michelle is a climber, so she volunteers to zip line to the shed. Blah, blah, she slows too much, dogs hear and come running. She manages to get to the shed and tries to start the car. The same car that started with absolutely no issues before. Doesn’t turn over, dogs get into shed, and she escapes via sunroof and up the rafters. She rappels/ swings/ zips back with the guys’ help. Back to Square One.

Back to the house, and time to reassess their folly. Fifth Wheel is putting on music and POOF! lights flicker out. So he volunteers to go down to replace the fuse. Alone. And finds more wine, and is all happy until POOF! lights flicker out again. And that ain’t right. So he goes to investigate and BAM!! Dog attacks him. Guys come to check and find him being used as a chew toy and they block the door to the cellar. And BAM!! Dog breaks through outer WALL. Time to GTFO and they all run upstairs to the attic and manage to not get eaten pretty well. *pours second glass of wine*

Blonde once again tells Bro 1 to GTF away from him, telling him she doesn’t feel right. Michelle is also looking bad. Bro 2 finds the lease of the compound conveniently on a clipboard and SURPRISE!! The military is behind it. Uncle is now a shady character. Morning dawns and they decide it’s a good idea to come back down from the attic. Gals hole up in a room, guys go out to check downstairs. Of course they go outside to get the car, which of course attracts the dogs. OMG POP THE CLUTCH!!! No dice. But because this is a movie, Bro 1 manages to pop the clutch and start the car right before the cliff. *swills*

Guys go back to the house and get the gals, only Blonde doesn’t want to go because she knows she is done. Bro 1 goes to get  her, and are interrupted by a dog. She takes on the dog and tells Bro 1 to go out the window. He falls off the roof, she wrestles dog. But the movie needs another victim and so, she falls out the window and onto an exposed post and dies. With the dog. Smorgasbord to follow. The remaining three get in the car and take off for the other side of the island. This is where I wonder where the gas station is. They get to the compound and go explore for answers.

If you are gonna die, at least figure out why, right?

Apparently the military is very loose with money because they left a ton of shit behind, including test tubes filled with solutions. So NOT a training facility but a genetic engineering facility. Yay!! Not rabies (I always look for the silver lining). There’s a radio so now to find some power source so they can use it. They McGyver it and Bro 1 goes out to connect the cables on the tower but the switch causes a shock. He falls off and becomes bait. Meanwhile the switch caused a fire in the compound and while Bro 2 is trying to rescue Bro 1, Michelle decides to go out with a bang and take as many dogs as she can. But wait, there’s more! Michelle lives!!! She manages to get to the car, the guys hop in and they take off. And like a woman, she drives off the pier. Stereotypical. Finally manage to get on the boat and sail off. Bro 2 tells Michelle there will be a cure, Bro 1 says there has to be. Bro 1 is tired and decides he needs to rest, so he goes to open the door down to the cabin and BAM!!! DOG JUMPS OUT!!!

And……The end. *chugs moar wine*

That was pretty much the only Wes Cravenly part of the entire movie. On the plus side, no CGI was used at all in this film. Frankly, the dogs steal the show. They are rather awesome. So if dogs are your thing, and college kids get on your nerves, this is the movie for you. If not, thank goodness. 😉

LC Aggie Sith


    • Thanks! This one was a slog. Kept thinking, “OMG WHAT CUTE DOGS!!” instead of paying attention.

  1. Meant to comment last night when I read it, but it was late. Sounds like a movie I want to avoid. Entertaining review however.

    • Well below your caliber. I watch this stuff, so you don’t have to!

  2. Wonderful read. Love your turns of phrase, i.e., “… which the sailing chick opted to forgo with consequences.”

    Now, write something on your web page so I don’t have to keep looking at Kirk!

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